Betrayed by my husband and my friend

Mar 21st 2010 By Dear Paula

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Betrayed by my husband and my friend

Dear Paula,
I have recently found out that my husband has been having an affair for the last three years with a so-called 'friend' of mine. When I found out, I asked my husband to leave but he said he wanted to stay and would stop seeing her. The thing is, I can't forgive him for what he has done. I thought I could get over it but it's all I think about every waking moment. He has been very attentive and we have been going out more and doing a bit more together, something that hasn't happened for a while. Every time we have sex I have to stop myself crying because all I can see is the two of them together but I have been trying to hold it together for the sake of our three teenage children. Part of me thinks after 23 years together maybe he should be allowed a little indiscretion but then the other part of me is wondering how long before the next one or before it all kicks off again.

The woman has threatened my husband saying she will go to the police and say he raped her. She also says she will commit suicide if he doesn't go round to see her. He won't go to marriage guidance or anything like that. It has totally
destroyed my confidence and trust in everybody. I just don't know what to do.

Dear Paula writes;
There are some things that once broken, can't be mended and this may be one of those times. The betrayal you feel must be made worse by the fact that the other woman was supposed to be a friend and also because it went on for so long. Three years hardly constitutes an indiscretion. It's a profound betrayal of trust and I'm not surprised you are devastated.

If you want to try and rescue the situation and your husband won't see anyone with you, you could give it a shot on your own. You have been left with traumatic memories and the feelings associated with these memories will be triggered by any reminders (such as sex). You can be helped to overcome this by a particular therapeutic technique (the rewind) practised by some hypnotherapists and by Human Givens practitioners, (see www.hgi.org.uk). You could also try a self-help technique which you will find at www.pstec.org It's very helpful in dealing with painful feelings/memories if you can't get access to a counsellor.

If your husband thinks this woman is serious about accusing him of rape, she won't have much of a leg to stand on in the context of a three year affair but he could always pre-empt this by telling her he is going to go to the police regarding her malicious accusations. As for the suicide threats, that's up to her. If she wants to self-harm, she will but it's no-one's responsibility but her own and it's a particularly despicable form of emotional blackmail. She went into an affair with a married man, the husband of a friend. The consequence is often unhappiness for all parties and she must have known that.